Letting go of people - a process

© Jenn Shallvey

Blog post is also shared as podcast episode 14. Link below.

Let's start with the obvious in your face phrase- letting go of people. By the direct statement of these words, you are already acknowledging that there is a need at some level in the human condition to let go. To hold that space for yourself is a challenge. It is not something that is done lightly. It is not something that is done easily. The reasons for letting go of people vary on so many levels that to consciously contemplate right now, the very idea of letting go of people, can create some stress. 

So let's start with a process that separates you from that, because this is not about destabilising. This is about stabilising. This is about healing. This is about health. It is about being whole. It is about being all of who you are and who you came here to be so that you can be better for yourself and for others. 

It is not about spite. It is not about revenge. It is not about a negative energy towards another person. That is something that needs to be very clear at the outset. Letting go of people is not revenge. It is not a slander. It is not a disbanding of a relationship in a negative way. The only place that can be considered when we are consciously letting go of people is from a healthy whole heart-filled place. That is what this is about. Stay in the heart, stay in a place within you that holds that energy. This is for yourown benefit and the benefit of the others who you may or may not perceive you need to let go of.

We step forward and look at a way to do that. So as we enter into this topic hold your energy in your heart at all times. Clear and let go of the emotions that are in the way. Clear and let go of the hatred or the anxiety or the judgement , whatever it is that is in the way, the filter that you are using to make yourself think you need to let go of somebody is the first thing they actually need to let go of. It's not the person. 

So that's already in itself a trick isn't it. The topic led you into this space of letting go of people as if you are discarding of a person like you would your trash. When in fact it's about clearing the energy field between you and that other or others, because there can be you and many. It's about clearing the energy field between you to find out what is at the core of your connection.

And are you at this point in time, mutually serving each other in your relationship and connection with each other? And if not, then that is a point that you need to relook at. But first let's go back again to this idea of helping you be in a place where you can fairly and lovingly discern and consider the letting go process.

The first step is really contemplate what is it that is coming up for me that is making me want to even think about this? Identify the emotion. Identify the incident. Identify the trigger. What is it? Then step back and look at that from an objective point of view, before you dive into this. And you might have on a piece of paper, for example, because if you keep this in an objective process and maybe even use a paper to write it down, then you can contain it in a way.

And so you look at that relationship and you say, it's not working. What are some of the things that are happening? What are the things I'm observing, what am I noticing? And then you get a kind of a collection of things. And they're not traits. They're not attributes. They're whatever comes to you that you go well. But I think of that connection. This is what I have come up for me, not, this is how I feel. This is what comes up for me. Really important, the distinction of language. And as you let that come up, you're in a sense, giving yourself permission to allow that then to be cleared and released. Do you see that's the difference? So rather than burying that and hiding that, and then just bundling that all up into a sense of this person's bad I got to let them go, you're saying, wait a minute what's the nature of the connection first before I actually see whether it's me, that person, or a part of me and a part of that person.

So there's our gathering bit. So you might have a whole list of emotions. You might have some incidents, you might have some things that you don't like. Some things that you maybe even like, because again, you're thinking about letting go of the person. So we gathered, you're probably going to be biased a little bit towards the things that are pushing you away.

Then I want you to stop and look at those and say, how much of what is happening in that list is really due to my behaviour, my actions, my way of being? How much of that is from me? And that's a really important filter to start with as well, because you're saying I'm going to first acknowledge my role in this. It's not all the other person's fault. It's also my contribution. It's a relationship. It's not a one way. And you can project all the blame and all the things you want on to that person, but that is not all on their shoulders. So first look at it and say, can you actually see if you can sort some things out that are you.

So now you have a list and you've parked aside a few things that you say, maybe I need to work on those things. And then you're left with some things that are theirs. And now we're going to go into another level. And we say, okay, so here are all the things happening. I'm not going to excuse their behaviour. I'm going to look at this and I'm not going to condone anything that's harmful. I'm not going to condone anything that is hurtful. I'm not going to condone anything that causes anger, causes pain.

I am going to look at this in an objective, loving way to say, why would it be that person could possibly be behaving this way? What is it that if I took another perspective, I could understand them better. And there might be a few more things that drop out of this list that you say, oh, look what they were going through. They were in a depression, for example, and so they acted out of anger and their behaviour was not their normal self. And so they were in a different state. So I will give them the benefit of the doubt in that sense, because in that exchange that we were going through, they were hurting. So I really understand that place that that person was coming from. That's an example of when you say, I kind of put that aside now, too.

So we aren't condoning behaviour, but we can, in a sense, allow or forgive some behaviours that may seem out of the ordinary of that relationship because of the way we have seen it in the past, known it in the past, and therefore can see that there may have been a reason for that.

Okay. Now we've got a list with a lot less on it, hopefully. And now we're down to the core question. And you still got this gathering of reasons why this relationship is challenging for you or not working, or one that is triggering you to think, I want to let go of this person. So you hold that and you look at it. And what is the balance of that?

And instead of holding it in a way that says, now I'm going to tick off a list or count, there's no quantitative analysis here. There's no, gosh, I have 10 items, therefore, the person's gone or I only have one, so they're still here. It's not quantitative. It's not even qualitative. It's another whole level. 

And this is where you may or may not be able to do this because it takes a bit of practise and skill. And it's to intuitively and energetically go into that and just sense what is this about? Where am I at with this person? With what's left in this relationship that I have sorted out that's mine or is excuse is forgiven because of the circumstances with what's left how does that feel to me now? How does that resonate with me now? Where I am at now and where that person is now, given this state of what's left, where do I want to be in that? What feels right to me and what doesn't feel right to me. 

And you're actually now feeling into it, not so much actually asking logical deductive questions. It's a very different process now. And here we go into a sensing place, a less logical, more intuitive place where, you know, just inside of you, you know. And the only person that has any regard for that is you. There's nobody. You need to explain yourself to, there's no one that needs to know it's simply you. So there are lots and lots of ways of working with your intuition. And some of you may already be well and truly versed in that and really feel comfortable with your intuitive self. If you don't, then there's a whole other world of learning how to do that, to develop the habit of that.

But right now let's just say the process is to work intuitively with this relationship and sense, how is this working for me and that person for our highest good. If you use the highest good, it helps because you're thinking above yourself and your personality. You're thinking above the individual as they present on the surface and more at a deeper sense of who you are and you just hold that energy and you sit with that and you listen to what comes up for you. And as you get that, you go, oh, that's interesting. I've just noticed this. Okay.

And then as you've gathered all that you say, now that I know that. Now that I know from me, what feels right for me, what do I feel or want to do about that? You ask yourself that question. And the first thing that comes up to you, you say, okay, let's explore that. So you might get a whole variety of answers. You might get, let's say the first answer that comes up is give it more time. Very simple, short, because it's intuitive. And you go, oh, okay I'll give it more time. So you don't really let go of the person yet. And you say, okay, I'm going to now explore what that means for me. And you might meditate, contemplate, go off and do some journaling around what does it mean for me to give it more time? Give it more time could be for example, let's say a relationship is kind of naturally falling away because you're going in different directions and you are connecting less and less. And you have, for example, been the one that over the last several months has initiated all contact. And you think, hmm, well, I've removed all the reasons why that might have happened and I'm still left with this person isn't contacting me. They're probably not interested. 

You have a couple of choices of how to actually give it more time. One, you could say, I'll just wait and see what happens and go for a few more months. And if nothing happens, then I will let it go. Or you could take an action that says I'm going to reach out and ask the person directly. Why have you not contacted me? That's another way. The other one could be that you go back and look at why would they have not contacted me? Is there a reason that is legitimate? Like they're not here in this country. We have lost contact. They have a new partner in their relationship and they therefore are immersed in that and so their whole life is that they're a new mother, new father, whatever. There could be a change in that person's life has taken them in a whole new direction. And so your relationship has actually changed and you acknowledge that. And maybe when you do this analysis and fact finding and intuitive gathering of what feels right, you come to the sense that we're just in a new place now. And I'd like to still be in relationship with this person, but I accept that we're now in a different way. And you let go of the old relationship and move into a new relationship.

And this I've seen happen a lot with people, for example, where, um, over the years you'll hear stories of I'm the only single person in my friend group all my friends have kids. And you'll go, okay so someone who's chosen or whatever, for whatever reason is the single person and the rest all have kids, off go all the kids doing kids' parties, kids' sports school, all those things and all of a sudden that relationship diverges into very different ways of operating. To sustain that relationship takes a lot more effort. So sitting in this exercise allows you to let go of the old relationship and say, how do I want to form a new relationship? Or if I do, what will it look like?

So here's an action example where we can say, let's pretend that that happened. And you say, do I want to continue with this friendship in the way I used to be with this person? Yes. So how do I do that? I have a conversation with my friend and I say, I've noticed that now that you're a parent, these are things that are happening I'm so happy for you. And I would love it if we could find a new way to be together in this new kind of different stages of our lives, what would work for you? And then you say, well, this is what will work for me. Can we make that work? So for example, it might mean that you don't catch up every Friday night for drinks anymore, but you do catch up once every three months. And you say, we're going to put it in our diary that we are going to catch up. And we're going to make sure that we reserve that date because that will keep us going. Or you have a phone call every so often. Whatever it is, you have taken that action to sort of make a decision.

The letting go part comes from you, making a choice about the relationship and having gone through that process. And what if out of all that you say, you know what, I don't want to be part of this relationship anymore. Maybe they've changed so much in their values and priorities in life and what they think matters. And it's so different from you. And you've gone in another direction and you say, I've gone through all of this other stuff, nothing left is holding me together with this person. And it's not really nurturing me. It's not doing anything for me. I know that my presence in their life really isn't making much of a difference in their life and that we're not gelling. We're not working. We're not even having conversations, the constructive conversations aren't going anywhere. There's a kind of an agree to disagree, kind of living together, which is fine. But at some point it's like, well, we don't have to be that close anymore do we?

And you may or may not explicitly do this. But in your own letting go process so that you don't have the burden of, oh, I should be doing this and I should have done that, then you need to let go. You let go of that relationship in some way. And you say it is now no longer what it used to be and I'm okay with that. And we'll talk about processes of doing that in another post, but for now it's the identification, it's the knowing in you of what needs to be let go of and what needs to be shifted, and if not, what work you can do that will help bring it together in a new way.

So as you can see, this is not about throwing people away is it? You thought it would be because when you read the title, you read, oh, let go of people like we're going to just toss them and delete them from our lives. It's not like that at all. 

It's re-evaluating the essence of our connections and nurturing and reinvigorating the ones that you want to do that with and letting go of the aspects, or sometimes the entirety of the connection for others that are not serving you or them. It’s freeing yourself up.It’s freeing that person up. And there are degrees of skills, ability, capacity to handle this. And so at one end of the spectrum would be the ability to fully constructively, have a dialogue about this with the person and not be emotionally upset by it. At the other end the spectrum it would be running away and hiding and avoiding. So there's so much that goes on here, but for now, let's just consider this a useful technique to get us started with the whole idea of letting go of people.